elite-HOWTO

/* elite-HOWTO by Twez @ EFnet */

# How to appear as 'elite' on IRC is something tried a lot on IRC these days,
but its successful by only a few individuals. This document
# will explain how to appear as one.

1. The way of speaking elite.  (heh)

Its all about the 'heh'. Quite easy for this one, say 'heh' for every
imaginable situations. It has to be your new mantra, you have to chant it
every time the occasion is presented to you (and theres a lot of situation
to burst out a 'heh', belive me). Even when someone compliments you, say
'heh' instead of 'thanks. You will appear as a cool fuck with no education,
but thats good cause thats what elites are. Like this
example:

<someguy> dude, your new website is the bomb :)
<elite> i know, heh.

See the attitude there? Its very important to masterize the 'heh' art.

2. The knowledge of UNIX

DONT RUN WINDOWS!!! DONT RUN WINDOWS!!!. Extremely important there, if you
run windows, you cant be elite. You have to run Linux (Slackware at the minimum)
or better, some BSD flavour. Then the next step is to learn every UNIX
command to impress people on the channels youre in.
Tell some well-known fact like:

- X Windows is gay. Console owns.
- All GUI's are the suck. Did i said that console was elite?
- Pico (or nano) is extremely gay. vi is the elitest.
- X-Chat sucks dicks (cause it has a GUI). BitchX too (console, but too
bloated). ScrollZ is elite, EPIC (plain or with a script) is fine.

And so on.. Tell everyone that packeting is gay but dont forget to packet the
asshole that juped your nick 5 minutes ago. Then tell people
you owned him in 2 seconds and you will appear as the most elite guy in
the channel, cause you run *nix and you drop people that jupe nicks
on IRC.

3. Don't help!

Now that you installed a decent *nix flavour and learned all his secrets, you
install an elite IRC client for elite people.. and you start hanging on IRC.
You show your *nix knowledge with many 'heh' and then you wait, cause a
reputation take some time to make you know? Eventually, you will encounter
people that ask for help. NEVER, i repeat, NEVER help people on IRC. You
will look helpfull if you do so and  helpfull people are usually nice people.
Dont forget, you elite-wannabe, that elite people arnt nice. They are cold
and mean. So even if you are bored to death, stay far from help channels and
dont answer when someone msg you for help them. But then, you'll ask me:
'What to answer to people that ask for help?'. Well, follow the example below
and you'll appear as an elite d00d.

<someguy> hi, how do i extract blah.tar.gz?
<elite> RTFM, asshole

Where RTFM means 'Read The Fucking Manual'. Clearly, you tell him to follow
the instructions included in the file. But hey, he comes on IRC to ask a mean
fuck elite like you to help him cause he probably read the fucking manual,
but didnt understood something. Still, you have an answer especially elite
for that:

<someguy> well, ive read the docs but i didnt understood a thing.. its not
clear
<elite> cause you have no clue.

Notice the '.' at the end of elite's sentence. It means its definitive and
that you cant reply to that. The clue is something elites have..
guys like someguy never have clue. Oh and dont forget to burst out a:

<elite> heh

To appear as a real elite.

---

So all in all, being elite is all about saying 'heh' all the time, be the worst
asshole on IRC and never help people. So try to follow this how-to and you'll
be a real elite. You may ask 'Is the guy that tell me how to be an elite is
one himself?' well i'll try to answer that by  'yes and no'

No cause: i help people, i hang on dalnet and undernet (new to undernet), i
run Red Hat Linux, im on Xwindows, i like GUI's, im french, i dont know every
UNIX commands and switches and i dont say 'heh' for everything.


Yes cause: i use mostly console stuff, i hang on EFnet, i used vi to compose
this howto.

---

As you can see, theres more reasons for i am not elite than reasons i am. I
dont care at all.

---

If youve been insulted by this document, i dont care at all too. And fuck you.

---

*** !BONUS TEST! !BONUS TEST! ***

Answer correctly and you'll earn brownie points:

<ammis> You guys know where I can find OperServ for ircu2.10.10 ?
<indigoid> haha ircu
<indigoid> you must be a gay homosexual
<ammis> not even close, It works fine
<ammis> i.e. QuakeNet runs it and no worries.
<indigoid> wow, it MUST be good!
<indigoid> sorry dude
<indigoid> ircu is for faggots
<indigoid> therefore you are one
<ammis> well, instead of judging a ircd, maybe you can tip where to find that
kinda utils
<indigoid> ask another ircu gayboy
<indigoid> i'm sure there's lots of them around
<ammis> Why are you insulting me?
<indigoid> because i can
<ammis> I guess that's the easy way.
<indigoid> yes, yes it is.

Its a real log from #bitchx/EFnet the 30/10/2001 @ 7:42am to 7:46am EST, by
the way. You can see indigoid acting like a real elite with this
poor guy. Now the question: WHY INDIGOID IS NOT ELITE? HE PRESENTS ALL THE
NEEDED QUALITIES TO BE ONE SO WHAT THE HELL??

Answer: indigoid never said 'heh'. He missed a good chance there to appear as
elite on IRC, but who cares?

---

*** !ELITE EVOLUTION ON IRC! ***

Here i will try to explain with (almost) real-time situations and examples,
the various stages that you generally encounter on elite IRC people


THE 'STARTING TO GET SOME ELITE ATTITUDE' STAGE:

*** KeKe has joined #eliteness
*** mode +b *KeKe*!*@* by elitez
*** KeKe was kicked out from #eliteness by elitez (get the fuck out heh)
<elitez> i dont want fucking lamers in my chan
<elitez> heh

THE 'FINALLY ELITE BUT NEEDS SOME IMPROVEMENT' STAGE:

*** Signoff by KeKe (killed (elitez (i dont want fucking lamers on my server
heh)))
<elitez> heh

THE 'DEFINATELY BAD-ASS ELITE IRC PIMP' STAGE:

*** Signoff by KeKe (elite.hub.1337.net l4me.server.1337.net)
<elitez> i dont want fucking lame leafs on my hub
<elitez> heh

See? but you havent saw the really elite yet.. Its something you rarely see
on IRC theses days, but lemme show you whats the REAL elite do:

THE 'YOU-CAN-DO-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-I-DONT-CARE-YOURE-LAME-HEH' STAGE:

<elitez> god.. you guys are so lame heh
*** [ *!*@* ] now on Ignorance list.
<elitez> i dont want you fucking lamers on my screen
<elitez> heh.


/* HEH-OF */